Recovering from Co-Dependency

You CAN Break the Compulsive Habits
That Are Running Your Life.

You CAN Live a Life of Love, Joy, Peace and Fulfillment

How did you become co-dependent in the first place? As a child you learned a set of behaviors and methods of solving problems that helped you survive a family or environment of great emotional pain and stress. The stress could have come from living with someone with a chemical dependency, physical, sexual or emotional abuse, chronic illness either mental or physical, or in a non-loving or hyper-critical environment.

As an adult, a codependent person has little to no sense of self. If you were to look back on your life you might see that your whole life has been spent in extreme acts to meet others' expectations. Your emotions and thoughts about yourself are based on people's responses to you. For example; if you're nice to me, I'm a good person. If you disagree with me or snap at me, I'm a bad person.

You probably have trust issues as you've learned not to trust other people or yourself. Someone always gets let down. You seek fulfillment in pleasing other people, but that never really works - because you don't feel you deserve the gratitude or compliments you may receive. It may feel like it's never enough.

Some of the behaviors you adopted to help you survive became compulsive which means you do them against your will; you have no control over them. You may not even realize you are doing them. Those behaviors and problem solving methods are now keeping you from living a life where you feel safe, secure, loved and fulfilled.

Because of them, you keep repeating the same patterns over and over, sometimes with different partners, and you still aren't happy.

Giving and being kind, considerate, empathic, and of service is great and something the world definitely needs. It turns into codependency when the driving need is when you have to please others in order to feel whole as a person. A symptom of low self-esteem is you think it's not right to take care of yourself, or to be assertive. Finding your identity in being a rescuer or martyr is not healthy.

How to recognize if you're Codependent"

1. Do you find yourself constantly needing to "fix" and rescue people?
If you're codependent you are more aware of others needs and feelings than you are your own. When asked what you want or need, the answer is most often "I don't know". You have a hard time receiving.

2. Do you easily get caught up in drama?
Codependents often get sucked into the drama of others lives and are so busy rescuing others and sacrificing themselves that they miss what the root of the issues are. They don't have time to deal with their own issues because they're so busy taking care of everyone else. This is really a self-defeating behavior.

3. Are you trying to control or feel controlled by someone else?
Do you need the person more than you love them? Neediness is a hallmark of a codependent relationship. One person's happiness depends completely on the other. They don't know how to make themselves happy. Relationships should enhance you, not complete you, You are already whole and complete.

4. Do you do more than your share?
What's the difference between a hard worker and a workaholic? Are you working to live or living to work? Codependents often take their work home with them, answer work calls and emails, no matter if its after quitting time or they are on vacation. They do not have clearly defined boundaries in their work or relationships.

5. Are you always seeking approval and recognition?
Codependents live their life through their self-limiting believes. They believe they are not good enough, dumb, stupid, worthless, and defective. This is their core wound, or sacred wound. It's what drives their choices and decisions and affects what they see when they look in the mirror and affects how they talk to themselves. What they don't realize is we all have a sacred wound, but we can choose to rewire where our choices and decisions are made from. We can choose to live from our purpose, rather than our wounds.

As an adult, a codependent person seeks recognition and approval but when they get it they are embarrassed. They have difficulty asking others to meet their needs. They don't believe they are worthwhile or lovable. Codependents do not have a strong sense of self. When asked to describe themselves codependents will give their job title or say "I'm a wife, partner, daughter, mother.".

A non-codependent person would say, 'I'm an independent, powerful, compassionate person who enjoys having fun and adventures.' There's nothing wrong with being proud of your job or relationships, but those should not be your main identity. Those are things you do, not who you are.

6. Do you find that you do anything to hold on to a relationship? Do you fear being alone?
Because codependents have their whole identities tied up in their work and relationships they have no relationship with themselves. They don't know how to be alone and enjoy that time. They often feel abandoned and unwanted. They don't feel able to express their own feelings, express a difference in opinion, for fear of driving the relationship away. They often stay in abusive relationships because they feel that nobody else would want them and that's all they deserve.

But there is help.

The Problem Isn't Them
It's Your Relationship with You
Letting Go of the Need to Help
Can Liberate You

You can learn how to say "No." You can learn to listen and communicate. You can learn it is OK to have needs and to have them fulfilled! Often professional counseling or therapy can be helpful to create new, healthy patterns for yourself.

The "problem" is not them. The problem is your belief that this is your proper role and that you are powerless to change it. You may be addicted to caretaking or controlling.

You have to learn how to let go of the need to control the people, places and events in your life. It is this letting go that will provide you the ultimate freedom from shame, fear and your self-defeating patterns.

Like any problem, you need to understand what's at the root. From a neutral place step outside of your emotions and look at the history of your behavior. Notice the patterns. Determine if the pattern is working for you and how you want your life to be or if it's holding you back.

When you can get past the emotions and examine facts, write them down. Do a little timeline or a score card of non-working behavior. This will help you to focus on the changes you want to make .

Someone Who Will Help You

"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try." - Beverly Sills

Bo Bradley is a certified Dream Coach® who has helped many to overcome the compulsive behaviors that are holding them back from living a peaceful life where they can express their needs and have them fulfilled. She has years of experience in helping people out of their co-dependency patterns and in helping them open themselves up to playfulness and joy.

Find out how she can help you remove the barriers to your happiness.

Get the professional help you need as you are recovering from co-dependency.

Contact Bo today to schedule your free 30 minute consultation.

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Recovering from Co-Dependency